I, Scott Vrooman, am hereby announcing my candidacy in Canada’s first official Senate election in this great nation’s history. The Senate is currently appointed, not elected, and over 90 per cent of Canadians want it reformed or abolished. Our learned columnists want us to believe we "can't realistically" do this. But did our forefathers listen when people said it wasn’t realistic to build the world's tallest freestanding structure? No. They put a huge antennae on top so that it was technically the tallest by a bit.
Our political leaders tell us that innovation is crucial to Canada's prosperity. I agree. And that's why I'm innovating our democracy by creating my own election campaign for Senate. I will run against three sitting, appointed Ontario senators: Colin Kenny, Linda Frum, and Don Meredith. I expect they will welcome this opportunity to strengthen our democracy, and engage with me in several spirited, civil debates about how terrible they are.
Canadians can learn more about the election on my website: vroomanforsenate.com. It features information on my opponents and platform, testimonials vouching for my integrity, and several 100 per cent real and not Photoshopped pictures of me with my celebrity friends.
As there is no established process for Senate elections, I will be innovating my own. It will proceed as follows:
Step 1: The Campaign
My campaign will be a robust, multi-faceted effort to engage all Canadians in a discussion about our Senate. It will be run through my website vroomanforsenate.com, my Facebook page "One Zillion Strong for Scott Vrooman For Senate," and my social media accounts which will feature daily on-message tweets, tumbles and 'stagrams.
Through these platforms I have just launched a soon-to-be viral video announcing my campaign, an Indigogo drive to fund a billboard in Ottawa, and a White House petition asking Prime Minister O'Bama to assist in my effort. My campaign will also provide informative emotional stimuli through seven-second "attack Vines," and feature personal appearances by me virtually everywhere that I'm physically located.
These efforts will be coordinated by my campaign manager, television's Mark McKinney (Kids In The Hall, Saturday Night Live, Spice World), the one who first encouraged me to boldly lead Canada's Senate into the nineteenth century.
Step 2: The Election
The election will be held on the same day as the 2015 federal election, October 19. Both males AND females 18 or older (or younger) will be eligible to vote on my website that day to determine who has the true mandate to sit in the Senate. If I win, I will replace the candidate with the least votes. It's like that show The Biggest Loser, except the biggest loser loses.
Step 3: A New Era Begins
Once I receive a mandate from the Canadian people, I will pack all of my possessions and cats into a moving van, drive to Ottawa and take the seat I'm entitled to. I have no reason to believe this transition of power will be anything but smooth and orderly. Once inside the Senate, I will increase transparency and accountability with several initiatives I outline in my platform.
How can you help?
If you would like to help fund my campaign, you can donate money here. And if you care to donate your time instead, or a long, rambling, caps-and-exclamation-mark-heavy email about the New World Order, you can contact campaign headquarters at [url=mailto:email@example.com]firstname.lastname@example.org.[/url]
Two final points
One, this is not a joke. Although I have made a living in recent years as a comedian, and even played various characters named "Scott Vrooman" on television and in The Toronto Star, this time I'm being the really real no-foolin' me.
Two, some will claim that Alberta has already held Senate elections. This is technically true if by "technically" you mean "not." Alberta held "Senate nominee elections" to recommend potential appointees, which were non-binding on the Prime Minister. I will be competing against sitting, appointed senators and the results will be final. That's democracy. The democracy I am imposing unilaterally.
In the words of Canadian icon Kevin Costner, "If you build it, they will come."
Together, we can rebuild Canadian politics.
Together, they, Canadians, will come, and we, other Canadians, will join them.
Together I will lead them and we to that bright shining us on the hill. And then I, we, them, and they will look down from the top of that hill, a united us, together, and have a really great view of Canada (weather permitting).
While I love and honour my fellow citizens in Quebec, I am not fluent in French, so I won't be repeating this in our other official language. But for the record, I can count to one hundred in Spanish.
Thank you for reading this story…
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