Harassment and emotional abuse of women by manipulative men

You're a strong woman Michelle. When I was 18 (just turned) I met a man who was 35. I was a single mother from a relatively troubled background and felt that this man could rescue me from becoming a statistic.

What ended up happening is that I moved in with him and was emotionally, sexually and physically abused and I began to not be able to think for myself. If he asked me which way was left, I would not be able to say so out of the fear that I may just get it wrong (even though I knew which way left was). I allowed his infidelity, I allowed his extreme emotional abuses upon me. Mainly because he told me I was a slut, a single parent who no one would want, and most of all, I was a "bubblehead" and therefor far too stupid to do anything on my own.

I would say yes to everything he said. I would go along with all of the degradation he did to me because I was too afraid of what the consequences would be if I didn't. Worse, I believed what he said about me.

It got so bad that I could not make a single decision for myself. On top of that, he was an excellent father, so I just sucked it up, and started to believe that I was nothing and that without him, would forever be nothing.

I endured rape, whippings, extreme sexual torture, the whole lot. I thought he may kill me eventually. He allowed me out only once every three weeks and only on Fridays. If my friends went on a Saturday I had to wait another three weeks. He isolated me from my family and my friends. He followed me when I went out.

Three years of this went by, and one day he called me up and asked me if I was basting the turkey (it was easter coming up). I told him I didn't know how. He mind fucked me on the phone (that's the best description I can come up with, because the way he talked to me left me always thinking there was something I had said wrong) and said that once he got home I would be beaten for not basting the turkey correctly.

I called family and finally, they agreed to help me. They came that same day before the monster finished work and I moved out. Put what little things I had into storage, and moved to my mom's until I found another place.

Ironically, to get back at me for moving out he had his biker friends follow me around everywhere I went. They would literally stand inches from my face and threaten me, intimidate me, and leave me crying so bad I hyperventilated. He also took me to court for custody of my own child, which was not his biologically. I was by then a complete psychological mess, although I managed to finish my grade 12 equivalence and two years in college (I completed it later on).

Despite the fact that he beat me, and tortured me sexually, the judge decided that wasn't a factor to be concerned with and let him have visits every second weekend. The judge also dismissed my concerns about his racism, and extreme sexism. That didn't matter either.

It took years of work to undo the damage, but it was finally undone.

Unfortunately for me, disengaging was not an option as I was too scared to do that. But what I did do was to speak to him like he was an intelligent person, and challenge his notions of women and people of colour. Because he had a Mensa IQ, he started changing. When I left, he called me up and said I had brainwashed him, and that all the anti-racism and anti-sexism was my way of changing him, and he wasn't going to allow a mere whore to do that.

This story does not end well. He was killed in a bike/car collision not long afterwards. I was not allowed at his funeral because his friends all assumed he was a great guy and I was an evil witch.

I made peace with him in a dream, and from that day forth, I let it go. That was extremely hard, because he was the ultimate master of manipulation.

Like you, I said sorry constantly, and I still have that problem to some degree now.

[ 27 February 2008: Message edited by: Stargazer ]

Michelle: Thanks for starting this thread, your experience has taught me and reminded me of what we can do to break patterns and stop unhealthy emotional dynamics.

Stargazer: Your post has touched me very deeply. Thank you for your courage to post it here.

My first serious boyfriend from high school to 1st year was a manipulator. It took me a few years to get it.

We went to different Universities and he met someone, I think it went on for a bit before he broke up with me over it and I was heartbroken. So when he came back crying that she forced him into a sexual relationship, he was sorry would I take him back I did. And over the next few months I was sure he was still seeing her. So I'd call him on it and he'd turn it back around on me. How could I not trust him, was I crazy to be imagining such things. He made me feel bad for not trusting him when I had no reason to trust him.

One day she answered when I called him, told be she was his girlfriend and to stop calling. I laughed at her and asked if she knew where he'd just come from - my bed. She said I was lying. I realized in that instance he'd been screwing us both around. I hoped in a friends car and went to confront him. Boy was he surprised.

Sadly I was too stupid and messed up. I ended up taking him back one more time, and eentually he dropped me off in Guelph on Sunday afternoon and disappeared. I knew then that he'd likely been seeing her all that time and I felt liberated and moved on. I also got friendly with his Ex before me, we went to the same Uni and had friend in common and found out that we overlapped as well. We actaully had a good chuckle over it.

The idiot contacted me several months later and asked if we could get together so he could return some of my stuff, I agreed but took his former best friend with me. He wanted to get back together, he said she was gone, he was living alone and I could come by and see that. he said he had an engagement ring for me, oddly he didn't have it with him though. I asked him who he thought he was fooling, I told him I was happily in another realtionship with a deccent guy who I loved. He cried like a baby, and I was unmoved. I wasn't about to be manipulated again and I felt nothing for him anymore anyway. I wasn't even angry, I just felt pity.

Turns out he married her, he contacted me a few years ago to apologize, he had a string of excuses including depresion, none of which I believed after all his lying and manipulating. I think he just felt guilty and wanted to make himself feel better and to make sure he hadn't fucked up my life. As if. Irked me too no end that he got in touch, he even wanted to buy me a wedding gift. No thanks. You tried to make me think I was unstable so I would catch you cheating, I don't want a wedding gift from you around to remind me of the mess you made of what should have been an awesome year.

I never doubted my instincts again, I think I have a pretty good set.

And if you can believe it he poked me on Facebook a couple months ago. Why? Who knows as I am not interested in engaging him and chatting about his wife and kids. [img]biggrin.gif" border="0[/img] It's been 15 years and he still can't get over me I guess. [img]wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm not afraid to walk away.

I realize that 'stuff' is just stuff and I can replace it, I'd rather be free and poor, than secure and controlled.

My kids know when I start saying "oh really" the you-know-what is going to hit the fan - they like it directed at teachers and the like, not themselves.

I have no intentions of entering into a serious relationship, and I mean it this time.

Thanks for sharing and hearing is hard to take actually, I mean WTH are these type of men cookie cuttered out? As it is certainly a relevation hearing other stories that are so similar to my own, and indeed my daughter's.

In my case, it was an abusive 1st serious boyfriend, who sounds much like the boyfriend in scout's story. However, he continued on for 25 years stalking me, even when he was involved with another women, or rather women. This was after he kidnapped me off of a train, raped and held me for three days and was about to beat me to death when for some reason his estranged brother showed up at the abandoned family farm and literally saved my life. I had bruises and cuts from the top of my head to my feet.

Sadly, I was too ashamed and fearful to press charges. But I did become a strong woman because of it.

Fast forward to today and my daughter, after being raised in a feminist household, got involved with a man about 8 years ago now. She had thought ALL men were like her father and all families were like ours.

Her story played out almost exactly the same as Michelle's, and Stargazer's. However, in her case her first husband, who she left because he was insanely jealous, and who was the father of my granddaughter and who had died as a result of a car accident where he was not found until too late and died from hypothermia. It happened here in the mountains where it does sometimes drop below freezing in the summer and that night it did.

Anyhow, as soon as my former son in law died, the new guy stepped up his abuse, as he felt my daughter was now trapped with him and he was the only "father" my granddaughter now had. My daughter changed until she was a person I did not know. He was able to allienate her from her family as well, after all, according to him her feminist family caused all her mental health problems. Of course she had none until she met him, and had suffered from his abuses.

Finally last summer she left him, because she could not handle the way he treated my granddaughter, his abuse and stalking her has not stopped, and 2 weeks ago he applied for full custody of my granddaughter, again only to try and control and manipulate my daughter. It remains to be seen if he does get visitation, or not. He of course won't get custody, but it is unbelievable how far some, perhaps many, men will go to try and control women.

And I won't even go into friends stories that I have watched over the years.

The pattern of harassment, stalking and neverending verbal abuse as a start to further abuse, is easily recognizable to me.

All three of my daughters got into bad relationships. My oldest skipped herself out and lived alone for a few years, raising her son herself. She eventually married again but it has been a much different relationship. Interesting at time but they seem to compliment each other.

My second daughter got into an abusive relationship and moved right from that one to a different relationship. A very explosive one at times but they both seem to want to keep it going. The problem with this one seemed to be your kids and my kids.

My third daughter left an abusive relationship and married a controller. But their main interest in life was their two children. When they left and I mean left for another province I wondered how long the relationship would last when they had no common interest. Well it lasted 5 more years and then she just packed it in and left, he was verbally and mentally abusive. She also is trying to make it on her own but is requiring a lot of family support.

The one marriage that really worried me was my second daughters because he was a biker and dangerous. The other two are not as scarry and I can get along with all three to this day but I am glad my daughter are out of there.

It is interesting all the other people who are involved. My middle daughter loved her inlaws but they took their sons part even while admitting he was a problem. She lost control of her son but kept the daughter. He, however, loves his kids with a vengence and his son has turned out a great kid after having looked after his father for years. Funny situation that one.

An interesting thing, there was a couple who lived up the road from us. He was involved in a lot of volunteerism and I knew him well but not so his wife. Well he died suddenly and everyone wondered what she would do, we live in isolated areas. But I cannot believe the difference in her, she is a changed women. Goes to show you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

My husband beat me because I wasn't white. To him I was a stinky dirty native. He was extremely ashamed of me. I came from a small place where I lived out in the bush with my grandmother, living on the land. He took me to the city. That's when the abuse started. I had no one, I didn't know a soul.

When I finally left, he spent the next 20 years taking me to court, trying to get custody of my children which he never succeeded in doing. He did manage to keep me poor as I was making just enough money so that I could not qualify for legal aid. I spent probably close to $75,000.oo on lawyers.

The only thing that is left from that is sometimes I feel so goddamn bitter about it. I let him have everything because all I wanted was my freedom. I left with the shirt on my back and my kids and nothing else. This was a long time ago so there was nothing available to help me except women's feminist groups who bent over backwards for me and for whom I shall always be grateful for and I give thanks for them everyday.

I know sometimes I lose it on here, but I get better everyday. I refuse to let anyone control me, or tell me what to do. I have a very serious problem with authority and I know why. And you know what? I really don't give a fuck.

I don't know wether to cheer or weep.

I want to cheer the strength that has been written about here, but weep at how commonplace this all is.

Thank you for sharing your stories

I say we cheer. We are all still here and we all found oursleves again. We should also cheer because as women I think it's very hard not to blame ourselves and punish ourselves for "stupid" mistakes and end the cycle.

quote:

---

I say we cheer. We are all still here and we all found oursleves again. We should also cheer because as women I think it's very hard not to blame ourselves and punish ourselves for "stupid" mistakes and end the cycle.

---

Yes! We are strong for overcoming what can bring us down.

1-7, I feel the same way. I have met many people on here whom I have never met in real life but consider my friends.

I think it is also a great testament to babble that we can share like this.

Writer, you inbox is full.

I hope you are well. I know how horrible and debilitating the flashbacks can be. I hope you are okay. A virtual hug for you.

Thanks for starting this thread Michele. And thanks for sharing such painful experiences and victories over abuse everyone.

I never thought I would find myself in an abusive relationship because I witnessed my best friend in grade school/high school enter her first serious relationship with a guy who was a psychopath as far as I am concerned. We were both outsiders (along with another friend) in high school and somehow ended up meeting this seemingly nice guy and his friend. My friends hooked up with the two guys and I kind of felt like the loser when I got invited to join them on their outings (which became increasingly rare). I remember her casually joking that he wanted her all to himself and didn't want to just hang out. A few months later, I was invited to join the two couples for a new year's eve get-together and my best friend's new guy made a pass at me (this after months of her telling me how madly in love they were). I broached my friend who didn't seem to react but told her boyfriend and he was furious. I remember him threatening me to stay away from her. My friend didn't break things off with me right away but I could tell that she was afraid to talk to me in any great detail and she never wanted to talk about her boyfriend. Eventually we stopped being friends even though her family stayed in touch with me (we had been like sisters).

But it wasn't just me. Over the next few years, she stopped talking or going out with any mutual friends or acquaintances. This once funny and energetic woman became withdrawn and quiet. Eventually, we both graduated high school and she broke up with the guy and contacted me. We reconnected and soon after shared a place. She told me all the gory details. How he would threaten and scold her if she wore make-up or clothes that might look attractive, how he wouldn't let her out of his sight except to go to work, how he insisted that she give him her pay cheques, how he quizzed her about all the men at work and whether she spoke to any of them, etc. He also threatened to burn her family home to the ground when they were all there if she ever left him. I can't remember what was the final straw, but she left and lived in fear for quite a few months.

I remember taking two things away from her initial relationship with that guy -- never trust a man who professes love and places you on a pedestal way too fast and beware of any tinges of jealousy. And I had two back-to-back long, healthy relationships through high school and university and beyond. I felt immune to abuse and very empowered. And even in crappier, shorter relationships that followed, I always spoke my mind and walked away if I thought someone was being an ass. But I went through an emotional crisis after my mother died and was very disconnected with my self and my world. I was 30 years old, experienced and far from naive but for a brief 6 months period, I was unanchored. I was also far away from home with no structure or responsibilities or support network. I thought I was starting to come out of my shell and I spotted this guy at a night club who was also Canadian and damn physically gorgeous. I decided that I wanted him and deserved to have a fun fling.

I met him and we hit it off and very fast. I was infatuated and needy. I loved being loved. Within a few weeks, it felt like we were a serious couple even though he was secretive and constantly leaving on business trips. I gave up on asking questions since I didn't want to be intrusive. He on the other hand wanted to know everything I did while he was gone. At first, I thought it charming (duh!) and slowly realized that he was keeping me prisoner by telling me that I'd better be home when he called and then changing up the schedule etc. I would go out on errands and run back home in a panic in case he called and caught me out.

I only had a few casual friends around that I really hadn't known much longer than this guy. But despite introducing him to that gang, he never wanted to go out with them or in public once we were well hooked up. And he was relentless on the sexual front. At first I thought that was great but then it became hellish because he would just insist on so much sex that I was aching and bruised and in pain. I came to feel like a caged sex slave. One night he went out for one of his secret rendez-vous and was in a really strange and ugly mood, saying something like "you better not leave..." As soon as he left, I called my casual buddy in a panic and asked if I could go to his place. I couldn't explain my fear but I stayed with them and didn't go back till the next day. I knew FINALLY that I was in too deep with a control freak. Shortly after we said our good byes -- he was all tearful and apologetic -- I just said that I had to go back to Canada and was sorry thing had to end (LIES). He hounded me with phone calls, letters and presents but it was easier to brush off with an ocean between us and close friends at hand.

I had experienced bad shit before that and witnessed my friend's abusive relationship but I never thought I would find myself in that situation.